consequential thought on a lonely night

You are the moon and I am the sun.

Such beauty,

wonder lies ahead.

Surprise: You were human.

I've been such a baby lately. Last night during dinner, Jason and I discussed our unfavorable financial situation, and, because it's been weighing heavily on my mind, I broke down into tears right there at the table. He said he knows it would have been nice if he were rich. I told him I wouldn't want that, and it's true. I'm really not attracted to wealthy guys; you can always tell, trust me. When we first moved, I felt comfortable -relieved, even- that, after paying rent and bills, I still had money left over for my own entertainment. Now, for whatever reason, I feel as if I'm spending every cent I earn. It's really starting to exhaust me. I mean, I realize I'm a young twenty-something in the midst of the struggle of putting my life together. Sometimes I wish I could just push a button and fast-forward to when my life is in place.

I eventually want marriage and kids, but I want to be financially secure and ready to bring other life into the world. Currently it feels as if that may never happen.

On a separate note, Nana is supposedly completely healthy, according to doctors and test results. However, she's not recovering or regaining her strength because she's too exhausted to do her PT exercises, not motivated to practice her lung exercises and has no appetite for meals. Everyone is getting frustrated with her; they think she's just milking it and not trying. But, seriously, she's 76 years old. None of us know what that's like - especially being 76 right after a major heart surgery. One of my aunts said something about her possibly ending up in a nursing home soon if she doesn't start trying to recover. So that's weighing on my mind as well. Not a second of the day goes by that she's not on my mind. She is the strongest woman I know. It's so hard to talk to her. I started crying when I called her a few weeks ago because she sounded like a confused, distant stranger. She even asked me how old I was...she had no idea. I tried to hold it together for the rest of our conversation, but I was falling apart on the inside. It felt like all of my organs were detaching from their places and slowly sliding to the floor. Nana has always been my rock- the blood in my veins.

"I wake up and the phone is ringing

Surprised, as it's early.

And that should be the perfect warning

That something's a problem.

To tell the truth, I saw it coming

The way you were breathing

But nothing can prepare you for it...

The voice on the other end.

The worst is all the lovely weather

I'm sad it's not raining.

The coffee isn't even bitter

Because, what's the difference?

There's all the work that needs to be done

It's late for revision.

There's all the time and all the planning

And songs to be finished.

And it keeps coming 'til the day it stops.

When someone great is gone."

Pyromaniac

This morning
I woke up crying
So I lit myself on fire.
I walked out of my body
Like a zombie out for brains

I knew I wasn’t me
I could see myself
From the outside
I didn’t like what I’d seen

I found a revolver in the grass
I shot it in the air
But I didn’t hear a sound
Until a tiny bird dropped out of the sky

I held it in my hands
And sang it a lullaby
Tonight
I went to sleep crying.

Thoughts on Mediocrity

Perhaps my work day was just super relaxed today, but I'm feeling quite content. My job can be overwhelming at times (it's no fun to take the blame for the shortcomings of others on a daily basis). However, I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and I'm madly in love with someone that fits me like no other. We share great times and a great living space. I'm not making near as much money as I'd like to be, but I get by easily. I am sincerely grateful that I even have a job in this economy. These concepts remind me of something I wrote a couple of years back in my journal. I was young and dependent, but I think I was on to something-

08.10.09

As the saying goes

Nothing gold can stay

Well maybe it truly can't.

But what about silver?

What if you have something good

Not great, not always flawless

But something satisfactory with minimal errors.

Who's to say you can't love that something?

That mediocre piece of your life

That you've come to depend on...to cherish.

Why can't that stay?

It wasn't gold, so why did it leave?

To tell you the truth,

I prefer silver to gold anyway.

Had a dream about old friends last night. It evoked severe nostalgia as well as the feeling of needing to reconnect with those people.

We were in an old house-turned-bar fighting with three atrocious, monster-like men to the death. I watched two of my cousins die from head trauma, yet it didn't really seem to phase me. And it was like nothing had happened when a memory from my past walked through the front door. There was a period of about 2-3 years that we were really close. We shared things about our relationships, gave each other advice, drove around in my (then) new car blaring RX Bandits and Operation Ivy. He was fun. Gradually, our feelings developed into something more than just friends, but it never blossomed. I still see it as a result of something beautiful. After that time period, we simply grew apart. His attention turned elsewhere, and I was forced to be content with that.

Tell me - is this all it's gonna be?

Please hold for transfer.

I have finally caved. I'm ready for tattoo number two. This one won't have as much meaning as the anchor, but I think it suits my girlish personality. I want to get an antique cameo in plain black on my right upper forearm. For awhile I wasn't sure if I wanted anymore ink, but working in Austin has changed my mind. So many incredible pieces of art injected into the skin of the city, it was only a matter of time before it persuaded me.

I've seen a few good movies lately. HANNA was especially brilliant. An enigmatic thriller starring Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana and Cate Blanchett with a stunning score by The Chemical Brothers. The other day on my day off, I caught A Serious Man on HBO, which impressed me as well. Not surprising for a Coen bros film. Dark comedies warm my soul.

I'm in the prime of my life, so to speak. I'm happy for the most part, but somehow I don't feel complete. I feel as if I'm forever ruined because of past events in my love life. I don't want to be this way- think the things I think, remember specific instances, doubt people around me. I have such a lack of energy all the time, which the cure could be something as simple as changing my diet. I want to try not to consume as much sugar as I usually do. I've had quite the sweet tooth the past few months and that needs to change. I'd like to drink less alcohol and less soda. If I makes these changes and experience no results, I have no clue what my next move will be. Hell, I take my vitmains and love my veggies!

I'm looking forward to the move to South Austin with my love. We've been selecting new furniture and saving our pennies to make our real first place together as warm and true to ourselves as possible. I can't wait to be able to have people over for dinner parties and games nights and all that other cliche young coupley stuff. We'll hopefully be getting a new addition to the family as well, a baby kitty that I want to name Iris.

Cheers.

like snow, like gold

"I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love."

-Conor O.