Surprise: You were human.

I've been such a baby lately. Last night during dinner, Jason and I discussed our unfavorable financial situation, and, because it's been weighing heavily on my mind, I broke down into tears right there at the table. He said he knows it would have been nice if he were rich. I told him I wouldn't want that, and it's true. I'm really not attracted to wealthy guys; you can always tell, trust me. When we first moved, I felt comfortable -relieved, even- that, after paying rent and bills, I still had money left over for my own entertainment. Now, for whatever reason, I feel as if I'm spending every cent I earn. It's really starting to exhaust me. I mean, I realize I'm a young twenty-something in the midst of the struggle of putting my life together. Sometimes I wish I could just push a button and fast-forward to when my life is in place.

I eventually want marriage and kids, but I want to be financially secure and ready to bring other life into the world. Currently it feels as if that may never happen.

On a separate note, Nana is supposedly completely healthy, according to doctors and test results. However, she's not recovering or regaining her strength because she's too exhausted to do her PT exercises, not motivated to practice her lung exercises and has no appetite for meals. Everyone is getting frustrated with her; they think she's just milking it and not trying. But, seriously, she's 76 years old. None of us know what that's like - especially being 76 right after a major heart surgery. One of my aunts said something about her possibly ending up in a nursing home soon if she doesn't start trying to recover. So that's weighing on my mind as well. Not a second of the day goes by that she's not on my mind. She is the strongest woman I know. It's so hard to talk to her. I started crying when I called her a few weeks ago because she sounded like a confused, distant stranger. She even asked me how old I was...she had no idea. I tried to hold it together for the rest of our conversation, but I was falling apart on the inside. It felt like all of my organs were detaching from their places and slowly sliding to the floor. Nana has always been my rock- the blood in my veins.

"I wake up and the phone is ringing

Surprised, as it's early.

And that should be the perfect warning

That something's a problem.

To tell the truth, I saw it coming

The way you were breathing

But nothing can prepare you for it...

The voice on the other end.

The worst is all the lovely weather

I'm sad it's not raining.

The coffee isn't even bitter

Because, what's the difference?

There's all the work that needs to be done

It's late for revision.

There's all the time and all the planning

And songs to be finished.

And it keeps coming 'til the day it stops.

When someone great is gone."