Pyromaniac

This morning
I woke up crying
So I lit myself on fire.
I walked out of my body
Like a zombie out for brains

I knew I wasn’t me
I could see myself
From the outside
I didn’t like what I’d seen

I found a revolver in the grass
I shot it in the air
But I didn’t hear a sound
Until a tiny bird dropped out of the sky

I held it in my hands
And sang it a lullaby
Tonight
I went to sleep crying.

Thoughts on Mediocrity

Perhaps my work day was just super relaxed today, but I'm feeling quite content. My job can be overwhelming at times (it's no fun to take the blame for the shortcomings of others on a daily basis). However, I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and I'm madly in love with someone that fits me like no other. We share great times and a great living space. I'm not making near as much money as I'd like to be, but I get by easily. I am sincerely grateful that I even have a job in this economy. These concepts remind me of something I wrote a couple of years back in my journal. I was young and dependent, but I think I was on to something-

08.10.09

As the saying goes

Nothing gold can stay

Well maybe it truly can't.

But what about silver?

What if you have something good

Not great, not always flawless

But something satisfactory with minimal errors.

Who's to say you can't love that something?

That mediocre piece of your life

That you've come to depend on...to cherish.

Why can't that stay?

It wasn't gold, so why did it leave?

To tell you the truth,

I prefer silver to gold anyway.

Had a dream about old friends last night. It evoked severe nostalgia as well as the feeling of needing to reconnect with those people.

We were in an old house-turned-bar fighting with three atrocious, monster-like men to the death. I watched two of my cousins die from head trauma, yet it didn't really seem to phase me. And it was like nothing had happened when a memory from my past walked through the front door. There was a period of about 2-3 years that we were really close. We shared things about our relationships, gave each other advice, drove around in my (then) new car blaring RX Bandits and Operation Ivy. He was fun. Gradually, our feelings developed into something more than just friends, but it never blossomed. I still see it as a result of something beautiful. After that time period, we simply grew apart. His attention turned elsewhere, and I was forced to be content with that.

Tell me - is this all it's gonna be?

Please hold for transfer.

I have finally caved. I'm ready for tattoo number two. This one won't have as much meaning as the anchor, but I think it suits my girlish personality. I want to get an antique cameo in plain black on my right upper forearm. For awhile I wasn't sure if I wanted anymore ink, but working in Austin has changed my mind. So many incredible pieces of art injected into the skin of the city, it was only a matter of time before it persuaded me.

I've seen a few good movies lately. HANNA was especially brilliant. An enigmatic thriller starring Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana and Cate Blanchett with a stunning score by The Chemical Brothers. The other day on my day off, I caught A Serious Man on HBO, which impressed me as well. Not surprising for a Coen bros film. Dark comedies warm my soul.

I'm in the prime of my life, so to speak. I'm happy for the most part, but somehow I don't feel complete. I feel as if I'm forever ruined because of past events in my love life. I don't want to be this way- think the things I think, remember specific instances, doubt people around me. I have such a lack of energy all the time, which the cure could be something as simple as changing my diet. I want to try not to consume as much sugar as I usually do. I've had quite the sweet tooth the past few months and that needs to change. I'd like to drink less alcohol and less soda. If I makes these changes and experience no results, I have no clue what my next move will be. Hell, I take my vitmains and love my veggies!

I'm looking forward to the move to South Austin with my love. We've been selecting new furniture and saving our pennies to make our real first place together as warm and true to ourselves as possible. I can't wait to be able to have people over for dinner parties and games nights and all that other cliche young coupley stuff. We'll hopefully be getting a new addition to the family as well, a baby kitty that I want to name Iris.

Cheers.

like snow, like gold

"I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love."

-Conor O.

There's something inherently beautiful in suddenly realizing you're an adult. Yet it's also dreadfully depressing. Lately, random memories from my childhood have been haunting me, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 2010 was a bastard of a year, and I know now that everything is different. Nothing is the same anymore. It's almost shocking for me to think my mother is single. My stepfather has gone through two divorces. My brother and sister are part of a broken home, and they have to live with knowing that their parents didn't fake their love for each other, but they also didn't tough it out. I can't say I blame my mother though. I feel certain I would do the same thing in her position - kids or no kids. My Nana is seventy-six. Although she's still 100% mentally present and physically healthy for the most part, the reality is that she's seventy-six. Each time I talk to her, that becomes more evident. It's killing me. When she's gone, I'm gone. She is my soul. She's the best person I've ever known. When I think of her, I think of how excited I used to get when I'd spend the night with she and Pop. Sleeping in between them. Betting Pop that I could stay awake until midnight. Playing house with his handmade chess pieces. Looking through old photographs in the dresser upstairs. Nana getting mad at me for snooping and finding an old picture of she and her first husband.

Living at home, I yearned to be on my own away from the confounds of my parents and curfew and the word "no." Now, being twenty-two, a college graduate, working full time, I long for my mother's voice. I just want to wrap myself around her and never let go.

Sweetness. The American Eskimo puppy my dad gave my mom after she had me. She swallowed a piece of glass in a trash can and died. I was four.

Tiny plastic swords in my drink. Little red drinking glasses.

Lime green kitchen cabinets. Red faux brick linoleum. Grandma Kitchen's costume jewelry. Dressing up in pageant dresses with my cousins.

Holding my baby sister.

Saving her from drowning in the lake.

Her little blue and white gingham dress.

She looked like Dorothy.

There is no one like her//

I finally went to see Blue Valentine last week after six months of building anticipation, and I have to say it lived up to my every wish. Beautifully filmed and meticulously planned (Derek Cianfrance originally chose Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling for the parts eight years ago). It was filmmaking at its highest degree of purity. So raw and insightful, the film had tears crawling down my cheeks beginning with the first flashback. It's so sorrowful to see something so flawless fall by the wayside; a neglected plant that had been malnourished for too long.

I guess it touched me in more personal way than some. My mother recently went through something similar, and she's still dealing with the weight of consequences. I hate seeing her distraught, and I don't like the position it has put my younger brother and sister in either. This is something no one should have to go through. No deserves that degree of pain...but it's a cause and effect type of situation I suppose.

Anyway, the movie is superb, and the soundtrack is the icing on the cupcake.